


where have you been (all this time)

by 2Amaryllis3



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canon Compliant, I'm really stretching the amount of time they're at the Garrison but hey, James has lots of feelings about his family, M/M, Pining James, The embodiment of he looks at me and I look at him, i can do what i want, lots of regret
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 10:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15683145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Amaryllis3/pseuds/2Amaryllis3
Summary: James has many regrets and feelings that can be summed up with one word. Keith.





	1. Do you know that I'm back?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote some of this on tumblr first but now it's too long so on ao3 it goes. Enjoy!
> 
> (Side note for those of you who want to know my tumblr is amarylissy)

James was coming down off the rush he got every time the squad left the perimeter of the Garrison. By land or by air, the fire in his veins and dust on his tongue was the only thing that made him feel alive. He could’ve brushed it off as mere adrenaline if not for the lingering thrill of success he felt when they made it back unscathed. (Maybe he was addicted but it really wasn’t anyone’s place to question him on his hobbies.) It remained as his source of purpose, pride, and most importantly control. Unfortunately for his squad’s sanity, those intense feelings never lasted and within a few hours he was ready to drive the rover right back over the horizon. 

Kinkade and Rizavi had long since given up on getting him to take a break between missions. There was always so much else to occupy himself with: the first stop back being the simulator, his usual practically reserved and imprinted with the shadow of his ass by now. Then after about three hours when he was finally blessedly drenched with sweat and shaking limbs, it was time to hit the showers, grab something quick to eat, and hole up in his room going over whatever intel was gathered. 

As the leader of his squad he needed to know everything and anything about what they were up against. The fact that the enemy was a superpowered alien race made no difference. They were alive and he could beat them. 

He had to. 

This constant cycle was what he wanted, needed even as he was loathe to admit. In fact, anything was preferable to the night hours that he spent staring at nothing in the darkness unable to ignore the panic creeping up on him. Wondering if his team could make it, if the human race could survive this war, if he even stood a chance. 

Leader of the last offense of Earth and these were the fears he let plague him. 

Whatever haunted him at night he couldn’t let it paralyze him during the day. Training to the point of exhaustion, running flight patterns over and over, planning, prepping: it was all his way to cope. He always was a man of action, a war just brought out his inner neuroticism Rizavi had told him once. 

The paladins riding with them in the cramped rovers were currently brushing themselves off and if James was being quite honest they all looked like hell. He admittedly expected a bit more swagger from the supposed saviors of the universe. Although he supposed a pass could be made on account of them crashing their spacecraft through Earth’s atmosphere and running headfirst into Galra drones. 

Collectively, they were quieter than he assumed too, huddled around in their own circle whispering back and forth. Their closeness was obvious in the way they all leaned into each other's space, unconcerned by proximity. James just felt all the more like a blatant outsider. These bonds forged in danger and blood were not something others were privy to. He was simply glad he wasn’t expected by the higher ups to play a tour guide- that was Rizavi and Leifsdottir- despite the obvious eyeing by the rest of his passengers when they thought his gaze was on the road. 

Being a part of the welcome wagon was not his job. Leading was one thing. People were another. 

The entrance of Garrison HQ came into view after what seemed like years. Small figures, only blurs before, were slowly growing at the entrance to the hangar. Crowds had gathered drawn in by the spectacle of their rumored only hope and James felt a flash of sympathy. There was no way to escape that level of scrutiny. It was like the first time the squad flew the MFEs, nobody could have enough praise to say about their performance, until the novelty faded. And now he can feel the tension in the air, the other officers and cadets contemplating how a couple of teenagers could hold off an entire fleet. 

As the rover ground to a stop he let out a sigh feeling the strain slowly ease out of his shoulders. The green one wasted no time instantly launching themselves out of the side and falling straight into the arms of a crying woman who clutches them close, desperately petting the short hair sticking askew. James didn’t let himself dwell on the fact that he had long forgotten how that felt. 

The rest of the paladins filed out more slowly, although the blue one was already being dogpiled on by a seemingly never-ending family. James let himself lean against the rover as Iverson approached them debating the merit between disappearing into the compound or watching the paladins awkwardly try to make small talk with the Commander. He didn’t even have enough time to come to a decision before his attention is drawn to one paladin in particular. 

The figure stood with his back to the rovers, dark hair curling at the base of his neck, oddly familiar in a way that James couldn’t put his finger on. At least until he turned. 

James felt like he had been punched. Again. Metaphorically this time though. 

It was Keith- the Keith- who he had goaded again and again out of pure jealousy and childish anger. Jealousy at Keith’s talent which James had thought was a waste on someone like him. James felt a sting of regret flash across his face as he remembered the sensation of being knocked in the jaw so hard he couldn’t see straight for almost two days. Now the man standing in front of him would put him in a literal coma if he so much as tried any of that shit again. 

Keith was tall, almost as tall as James himself, and his unruly hair- that James was positive had always been against regulations- curled around his face giving him an older appearance. The way he stood- if James had thought Keith commanded every room he stepped in before he was sorely mistaken. He now radiated confidence, a kind born through fire and adversity, as he stepped forward to shake hands with Iverson. 

James had to audibly snap his jaw closed when Keith turned his head to make eye contact and he knew the moment the guy made the connection. His pretty eyes went wide and time itself seemed to stop. The present and the past melded together so strongly that James was sure Keith could feel the pull. They could have been standing in the same spot five years ago and James would not be able to tell that a single moment had passed. 

With his flashing light eyes and dark hair, Keith had been a lot more unassuming then, small in stature and short in his interactions with others. A leader had taken that place. He no longer was that small orphaned kid who preferred watching the sky and reaching for the stars. 

James had watched him for long enough to notice the difference. 

Keith had obviously physically changed but as James slowly pulled off his helmet he realized he could still discern the core traits of Keith: The way his eyes had tracked those coming to greet them with wariness, how he angled himself away from the conversation with Iverson, and his familiar hair curling out from his paladin uniform. It made James’ chest feel tight in ways he refused to think about. 

As he turned away from Keith’s searching gaze he wondered what the other saw when he looked at him. Hopefully not the same stubborn kid from all those years ago. 

 

A few hours had passed and while left to his own devices James exploited the blissfully abandoned gym. He supposed the attractive pull of the saviors of Earth took the fun out of working out. James himself was just seeking to avoid being isolated with his tempestuous thoughts, particularly about one dark-haired, extremely built paladin. 

He tightens his grip on the weights in his hand as he pushes himself one more rep past his usual. It burned from wrist to elbow and he was thankful for it. 

Pain was another deterrent for wandering thoughts. 

He didn’t need or have time to think about- 

The door suddenly slid open as James finished his last extra set and he looked up to see Kinkade stalking towards him, all business as per usual. He puts down the weights gingerly, knowing that whatever had dragged his friend down here would most certainly interrupt his session of not-thinking. 

“You need to shower,” Kinkade, never one for wasting words, orders, “We got a council meeting in ten minutes.” 

James starts at that because the next one was not scheduled till tomorrow morning. Then the arrival of the paladins sunk in again and the abrupt change made sense. 

He got to his feet with a sigh, a pleasant ache settling into his muscles as he followed Kinkade out. He could feel his friend glancing at him out of the corner of his eye but James refused to give him the satisfaction of asking what he wanted. He could guess what landmine Kinkade was considering stepping on. It was the one he had evaded in his own head for years. When they finally reached the elevators to get back to the dorm rooms Kinkade turned around. 

“Look James. If you want to talk about-” James interrupts wherever that sentence was heading. 

“K I’m fine. I was just working off some steam, “ About a certain savior of the universe, his mind unhelpfully supplies. “Commander Holt told me to stay out of the sims today.” A bald-faced lie but he didn’t need to know that James was dodging any chance of coming in contact with the paladins. 

Kinkade looked unconvinced but said no more as the elevator finally opened. One quick shower later and he was standing in the last place he wanted to be. Right in front of Keith. 

It wasn’t that James was avoiding him per se, he just was hoping to deflect any kind of conversation with him, barely even make eye contact, and move on with his life. Definitely not avoiding. 

Whatever he was doing seemed mutual as Keith’s gaze stayed glued onto Commander Holt who was catching them all up to speed. The paladins had a lot to learn about if they were all going to be prepared. Then the meeting took a turn as the yellow lion’s pilot started asking more about the others left outside their walls. The guy sounded fearful and James knew that look on his face. He had to wake up to it every morning in the mirror. 

This paladin had family outside. James felt a pang of sympathy. The not knowing was excruciating every waking moment but what else could they do? There simply weren’t enough resources to take in everyone and that was something he knew he had to live with. As a leader he recognized the validity of their restraint but as a person he couldn’t help the niggling feelings that they were dooming thousands to die. 

Dooming his own family. 

Then the guy kept pressing the Commander and James’ sympathy began to sour. It was like he didn’t see that the cost of war was high, that there was guilt written all over the Commander’s face, that the room had started to heat with tension. Their soldiers remained too few and dwindling fast. Their firepower too weak to stand a chance. They were facing total annihilation against a race of aliens who held the universe under its thumb for centuries. 

Voltron was the last hope of Earth for a fucking reason. 

James’ family may be alive or dead but that would not deter him from the mission. He might wake up sweating in the middle of the night reaching out for parents he couldn’t see. He might turn in a crowded room searching for a shadow of his mother. He might hear his father’s laugh echoing in his ears when surrounded by silence. 

That couldn’t stop him. This pain he felt not knowing was nothing compared to the suffering of those who lost loved ones to the Galra. His mourning now in humanity’s final hour would not bring them back. 

A paladin should realize that much. 

“Do paladins not understand the chain of command?” He shouts before he could even think about what he was saying, “ Your CO said it was too dangerous!” The team across from him all look startled and the yellow paladin is shaken to the point where he physically jumps back from James. 

That might have been too harsh. 

Commander Holt instantly turns on him, the words on his tongue scalding James' pride, but James suddenly doesn’t regret a thing. Keith’s eyes are on him now, arresting in color and intensity. He’s staring James down as though daring him to go on and he’s reminded of the look in Keith’s eyes right before he threw that punch so long ago. 

It sends a shiver up his spine. 

He steps back, giving way to the request of Commander Holt and returns to stewing in his own nerves and anxiety. Keith’s eyes don’t leave him for the rest of the meeting.


	2. Do you know why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James sees some things he wishes he didn't while feeling much more than he bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, more angst than I had planned on but what can I say, pining James gives me life.

James was skulking by the rovers. An odd choice for a hiding spot but he knew at least no one would think to look for him here. He wanted to be alone, meddling with the fine-tuned controls that he had checked less than six hours ago. 

After his outburst at the meeting, Commander Holt took him aside to impress how if he ever interrupted like that again he would not be invited back. It was awful being on the receiving end of that disappointed gaze so James resolved to make it never happen again. Besides just feeling sorry for himself, he also felt bad for scaring the yellow paladin. He didn’t deserve to be yelled at especially by someone like James, it was borderline hypocritical. It was just the way he phrased it made it sound like the Garrison was choosing to let families be killed. 

“Not everyone has fucking indestructible lion robots,” James mutters under his breath as he turns his attention to the navigation screen next. 

Suddenly a hand slams onto the side window and a small yelp escapes his throat as he hits his head on the dashboard. He straightens up glaring at the smiling face of Veronica miming at him to roll down the window. He groans but eventually complies because that woman can be a scary force of nature and he didn’t have the emotional energy to fight her right now. 

“I heard you disappeared since the meeting,” She starts off cheerily while her eyes seemed to be surreptitiously giving him a once over. ”Are you feeling okay?” 

James didn’t want to say how he was really feeling. He really didn’t want to. But maybe her older sibling skills could help him sort through his guilt. She grew up in a family of like a fifty people after all. 

“I feel like shit,” Veronica keeps her gaze steady on him. He hesitates for a moment on his next sentence, reluctant to admit his wrongdoing, before plowing forward. “I shouldn’t have said it.” 

Her expression shifts to one of delight by this admission which puts James a little on edge. No one should ever look that excited when discussing major fuck ups. 

“Well you did piss Commander Holt off which is a feat all on its own.” James’ shoulders sink a bit at the reminder. Disappointing the Commander who had put so much faith and energy into his squad felt like a large scar on his pride as a leader. It was vaguely similar to disappointing his father. 

Suddenly the driver’s side door was flung open violently making him jump again. She gestures slightly for him to step out before she continued. 

“But I know why you said it.” 

Her voice remains soft like she was coaxing a wild animal that left James feeling a bit offended. Nevertheless he obeyed and lightly jumped down before turning to face the older woman. She offered no other advice, only casually leaned against the rover, silence filling the air between them. 

James felt a smile pull at the corner of his lips knowing that she was giving him her support while telling to fix it. And he would. 

“We could find out where his family is from Garrett tomorrow. They lived nearby right?” Before Veronica could answer the doors to the hangar slid open flooding the room with yellow light. 

It took a moment for James’ eyes to adjust but when they did the figures in front of them were immediately recognizable. Keith and the yellow paladin. 

Fate did not want him to take it easy on him it seemed. 

They were sneaking towards one of the other rovers when James casually reached over and flicked on the headlights. The pair froze completely, having no viable excuse for why they were here so late at night, in full armor, and therefore seemed to hope that a lack of movement would deter whoever spotted them. Unluckily for them, James was still not quite ready to give into his regret. 

“And where do you think you’re going?” He sounded angrier than he really was. In actuality, James thought it was amusing that they had resolved to go find the guys parents by themselves. Cute even. There was no way they would last even ten minutes without being spotted. 

Keith’s voice floated through the air towards him, deeper in pitch than the last time he heard it but no less raspy for all that time spent in space. “This doesn’t concern you.” James felt a flame of anger curl under his stomach at the implication that nothing the paladins did concerned him. Bullshit. Their actions concerned everyone on the planet now. What was with them and not understanding the weight of their responsibility? 

Veronica steps in at this point trying to defuse the obvious rising tension in the room but for James she fades into the background. Keith still hasn’t moved from where he stood rigid and stiff, illuminated by the light from the rover. The glare of his helmet covered his eyes but James was sure he could make out the slant and anger behind them. Keith was always vaguely angry though so that wasn’t really too hard to guess. 

He felt Veronica look at him out of the corner of his eye but was reluctant to pull his gaze away from the paladin in front of him. 

“You’d never make it. I don’t want to see the universe’s only hope get hurt.” Keith tenses at his words, like every time he did back before Kerberos when someone would try and tell him what to do. Accepting the impossible didn’t seem to really be in his vocabulary. James feels the corner of his mouth pull up a bit at the thought. 

“And that’s why we’re coming with you.” 

The look on Keith’s face was worth every dangerous second James had spent outside the perimeter. It was worth every bit of reprimand he was going to get for pulling a stunt like this. 

His entire face had been transformed. A crinkle furrowed between his brows indicating he was no longer upset and instead had moved to confusion. His eyes shifted to something wide and hopeful to the point where James felt like he was drowning in their color. 

The part that made James want to fall to his knees however was the way Keith’s mouth curved into the faintest smile, a tantalizing preview of what James could get if he made the guy actually laugh. It forced the air past his lungs as though he had been shot straight out of the sky. It made his stomach swoop and spin erratically, his spirits climbing to dangerous heights to the point where he had to clamp down on the grin that his own mouth was threatening to send back. 

 

James was sitting alone in his room, hours after lights out, staring out the one window he had. It faced the hangar, the MFEs, everything that made him feel purposeful in life, but tonight was one of those nights. The nights where he stayed still for hours, unable to force himself to move but unable to relax enough to sleep. 

Most of the time his thoughts would be centered on the war or his family but tonight he seemed to be locked in his own memories. Memories of Keith to be specific. 

He blamed the events earlier in the day for that. 

The squad had been drilled hard by Iverson over formation tactics for hours leaving James unable to remember the last time he breathed in air that wasn’t humid with his own sweat. Iverson’s growl comes over the comms to attempt Roman Alpha one more time (for the tenth time) as James pulls on the controls to turn the MFE around. Leif was marked to fly on a razor’s edge between Rizavi and Kinkade at the same time James was passing underneath her. A new formation created to maximize speed and exchange fire in all directions. It was dangerous as hell. 

“Leif stay high, make sure to watch the wings!” He shouts as he punches the thrusters. The force pushes him back in his seat as he shoots across the sky. The rest of his squad approaches at max speed and with control so finely honed into him it felt like second nature, he twisted sideways nearly brushing Leif’s wing with his own. He hits the trigger and sends a burst of shots out into empty space, crossing safely onto the other side. 

“Fuck yeah!” Rizavi screams in his ear and he can almost see her punching the air. Her exclamation was contagious as the usually stoic Kinkade and Leif were shouting unintelligibly in the background. James could feel a grin wider than any he could remember spreading across his face: this was a victory. They had never done it that smoothly, that close together, that in sync with each other. 

It had taken years to get to this point but James was proud. This was his team. They had bled to be chosen for this squad and here they were proving no one else could do it better. 

He leans off the thrust as the MFE’s turn around and start to descend in altitude towards the base. The clouds melt away and he finally catches sight of the crowd that had gathered to watch their practice. A red uniform stood out from all the others even at three hundred feet in the air. James could probably recognize it in battle, thousands of years from now at the doors of death, and he felt a bit of resolve curl in his chest. 

Maybe that landmine was meant to be set off. Keith had come back after disappearing for years, presumed to have passed on like the wind, but James always knew he had never left. He had not given up on Keith walking back into his life again. 

As they make a few more passes around HQ, James gets a better look at the crowd besides just his zeroed focus on Keith. The other paladins were standing further back, talking amongst themselves as Keith stood still, his face upturned to the sky. He moved his gaze to the right a bit to see Iverson was talking to Captain Shirogane surrounded by the other higher-ups. They looked to be locked in an intense debate. 

“Looks like Red is more interested in our flying than his friends,” Rizavi suddenly cuts into his thoughts, “Or maybe more interested in someone.” 

Her voice left nothing to the imagination, which caused James instantly enter panic mode. There’s no way Rizavi knew and was teasing him. Kinkade was the only one who had come close to getting him to open up about it. 

“Lay off Riz,” Kinkade jumps in, “He’s got enough-” 

“There’s the signal,” Leif cuts him off without ceremony in her unamused way, James didn’t want to know what Kinkade was going to say, but he had become sure that he had at least an inkling about his feelings. 

He peered back down and sure enough, Iverson was waving his arms overhead to indicate that the intense conversation had concluded and they were free to land. James exhales the tension he had stored in his shoulders the second the red paladin had come up, relieved to get away from the squad until he could calm from the wave of panic that had washed over him. 

Touching down was always a smooth experience and soon James was back on solid ground, hands shaking and knees a bit weak. Hours spent in the cockpit were not the most conducive to stretching. 

The others gathered behind him as they approached Iverson, James slightly distracted because he could feel the burning heat of Keith’s gaze on his face. Iverson had nothing but praise however the moment he couldn’t believe was when Captain Shirogane himself congratulated them all on excellent flying. James felt like screaming. 

Captain Shirogane had been his hero before he even enrolled at the Garrison and he’s just a little too proud to admit that he had hoarded most of the recruitment posters. 

He shook hands with the Captain, the rest of the squad following suit, before turning back to the crowd. The other paladins gave the team a small round of applause but Keith- Keith was staring at Captain Shirogane, with the softest look James had ever seen on another human being, and he felt his heart enter free fall. 

Of course. James was an idiot to have even thought for a second- 

Now it made more sense, 'this KeithShiro thing' they had been referred to in whispers by the cadets. What James had first seen as blind hero worship was now made clearer in this moment. He had to turn away, this kind of pure adoration not meant to be seen by outsiders. And that’s exactly what he was to Keith: an outsider. 

The squad instantly grew quiet as though somehow reading the mood emanating from him, and he desperately wishes to disappear. 

There were some formalities to be acknowledged but James couldn’t hear anything outside of the pounding in his ears. He sloppily saluted the line of officials and then retreated without a word, eyes burning, feeling like a coward. Some faint calls of his name could be heard but he practically sprinted out of sight of the crowds as though he hoped to out run the truth. 

When he made it back to his room, he didn’t take off his flight suit, instead choosing to crash hard onto the bed and curl up under his blanket. This wasn’t the first time he had wished for home but he had never meant it quite as much as he did now. He wanted to smell the cookies and green grass again: his mother’s perfume, his father’s aftershave, Rex’s puppy slobber. It didn’t matter he wanted all of it. 

Hours later he was sitting there stock still, watching the sun slowly rise over the formations on the horizon. No longer wishing for home but a new sense of loss was settling just as strongly in his chest. But he would get over it. 

He had to, wallowing was dangerous, wallowing could get him killed. 

As quickly as Keith had re-entered his life, James could also push him out. Like a festering wound he would cut out the part of himself that was hopelessly in love with Keith (but he knew that was impossible because he could never tear his whole body to shreds). 

It would be difficult to forget his eyes, or his hair, or his rasp, or his faint smiles, or his anger, or his control, or his talent, or his bravery, or- 

James stopped that train of thought because it was spiraling out of control. He sighed heavily and dropped his head into his hands, rubbing the burn away, as some hints of tears started to gather at the corner of his eyes. 

All these self-destructive thoughts and he only came to one conclusion: he must have been stupidly in love, blind, or both to miss the solid truth that Keith was in love with Shiro.


	3. And why should I care?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James doesn't want to even think about Keith anymore but Iverson didn't get the memo.

James was tired. Tired of too many things to name at the moment but most pressing was how his teammates were treating him like a ticking bomb. It felt like a slight to his person. Not that he could really blame them though with the amount of raw intensity and anxiety he was exuding. 

It was exhausting to be so on edge for days but he physically couldn’t relax. He didn’t want to stop and risk letting his thoughts wander, that could only lead to avenues he was determined to cut off, so the only option was to remain in constant motion. 

He spent more hours in the sims than ever, working until the sun rose every morning, unable to force himself into bed where only silence persisted. Rizavi was the one who always came first at dawn to collect and deposit him into his room. Leif would come get him a little before noon for drills and Kinkade would hunt him down to make sure he ate dinner. Besides those singular interactions with his team he retreated into himself. 

It made everything easier: his family, Keith, the war. 

Nothing was changing even with the paladins here. They had no solid plan to save Earth, there was no way to get the lions back, and the amount of people seeking refugee was climbing by the minute. James felt useless, and weak, and helpless in the path of all these insurmountable obstacles so he focused entirely on what he could change. 

His team could shift the tide, they could help take back their planet, so every minute was now crucial. Drills were held nearly every day of the week and he could not be more thankful for the results the MFEs were producing. Faster and faster they pushed themselves and James only had one word for it: Pride. 

The paladins had started showing up to spectate the drills more and more often, not that James had noticed because he didn’t. He no longer let his eyes linger on the red uniform, or doggedly follow the paladins’ steps. He had given up last week, James had to keep reminding himself every time he would instinctively turn to Keith to gauge his reaction to a plan, or a new formation. He isn’t yours to love, his brain would whisper every time he saw the pair, KeithShiro separated from the others, pouring over data, sitting so close together they might as well have been a single person. 

None of that concerned him so James was determined to walk away. 

“Griffin!” Iverson suddenly shouted across the landing strip as he stalked towards him with authority. James immediately snapped a salute and didn’t relax until the commander told the team to stand at ease. “How would you like a change of pace?” was his next unexpected question. 

James knew it wasn’t actually a suggestion. “Unquestionably sir.” 

Iverson gave him a nod of acknowledgement before turning to the rest of the team, “Hit the gym for sparring practice. I don’t want my best pilots kicking the bucket because they’ve forgotten how to throw a punch.” James heard Rizavi stifle a snicker behind him at the liberal use of kicking the bucket as they salute again before turning and heading straight for the gym. 

Iverson was right. They hadn’t actually practiced sparring in almost a month, although James cannot say it was honestly very much missed. Rizavi was the one who took to it like a fish to water and James is the only person who came close to touching her after months of work. Leif was actually looking a little pale in her cheeks so James slowed his pace enough to nudge her with his shoulder. 

She offered him a wane smile and nudged him back. 

James could see she was clearly anxious, her well-honed skills residing with handguns and not her bare hands, but she had nothing to worry about. The team never left her out, never left anyone out for that matter. That was how they all managed to mesh together so well: a strength in one made up for a weakness in another. Kinkade and Leif, long-range, analytics. Himself and Rizavi, short-range, firepower. They balanced each other out and every time it was proven to him again made James smile. 

His mood was turning up a bit, the digression from routine a welcome distraction, and he allowed a kernel of optimism to start to bloom in him. They could coach Leif through the basics again before trying some new defensive formations he had been reading about. 

As they opened the doors to the gym however, James’ optimism immediately soured. 

The paladins all stood in loose garrison workout clothes on the other side of the ring, looking too collectively put together to have ended up there by coincidence. Inwardly he groaned, realizing that this was one of Iverson’s weird bonding exercises. He must think the MFEs and the paladins don’t meet his standards of camaraderie yet. There was a hint of truth in that though because James had hardly spoken two words to another paladin besides- 

His gaze drifted to who he had been trying to actively forget existed. 

Keith was talking rather enthusiastically to the shortest one, his dark hair falling into his eyes, shadowing the scar that had been burned over his cheek. James absently wondered if he would ever get the courage to ask what had happened. 

The door suddenly closed with a slam behind the MFE pilots and Veronica strode in unconcerned by the fact that every single person jumped at her loud appearance. She took in the clearly divided groups with a cursory glance before launching into her role as instructor. 

“MFEs lose the flight suits and leave your helmets over there. Paladins join me around the circle over here.” Her instructions were instantly followed as the paladins took their respective positions on the far side of the ring and the squad quickly deposited their gear. 

Underneath that flight suit was the Garrison issued tank top that left James shivering a bit as the cool gym air met his skin. It was however much nicer here than outside where there was nothing but dry, heat ravaged land for miles. If the war ever ended, he was moving to the ocean and never looking back. 

James could feel the heat of Keith looking at him but he refused to stoke that persistent flame of hope in his chest. He kept his gaze directed at Veronica and Veronica only despite the fact that he was sorely tempted. Tempted to move his head a few degrees and meet the challenge he was sure he would find in Keith’s stare. 

He would not dare to allow himself to anticipate the red paladin’s glances. Nothing was going to happen. The looming presence of Captain Shirogane pressed near to Keith’s side made that abundantly clear to him. 

“MFEs circle up in the middle and I want four other paladins to come forward as well,” The squad complied and stood back to back facing the loose ring that had formed around them. The pretty alien with white hair moved forward followed closely by Veronica’s brother. Then the small green one stepped into the circle at the same time Captain Shirogane did. 

James was not looking forward to what Veronica had in mind. 

“Alright, I want you four to attack,” She points at the paladins and then to the MFEs, “You four to defend until I say.” She punctuates her rather alarming statement by giving them all a cheery thumbs up. James’ stomach dropped a bit when he realized that this was definitely going to be worse than just another afternoon of drills. 

“Remember no outside weapons allowed. Just your hands.” That sounded vaguely like a school safety advert that he had tried to block out from his childhood. 

James taps Leif next to him to push her more behind him as Kinkade drew a little closer to cover that gap. They had to close ranks in order to keep the circle tight. Leif knew that down in the ring she was the weakest link so her job was always to take whatever leftovers that slipped through the cracks. Rizavi was now lead as soon as they stepped in the circle, which slightly bothered James’ need for control but she could kick his ass so he accepted it for what it was. 

Veronica’s brother is the first to move, throwing himself forward against Kinkade who takes his arm and merely shoves him backwards lightly. The smaller one tried to get the drop on Rizavi, who could have defended against that kick in her sleep. as she redirects the force to let the paladin land hard on the ground. The silence that falls on the gym is heavy as James’ expression shifts to ones of incredulity. 

Their effectiveness was related to their weaponry it appeared. He was honestly hoping for a bit more of a fight. Then he remembered that they had spent months drifting through space on rations, without clear training, and the rustiness makes a bit more sense. 

Whatever the case, Captain Shirogane was the one James had his eye on. The man seemed to be prowling around the circle looking for a way in, his eyes darting from side to side assessing them all. James had seen his scores lauded as some of the highest ever achieved in Garrison history and he didn’t doubt it for a second. There was something about him that screamed danger; not the loud way Keith was dangerous but in a quiet, steady voice that hinted at much darker things. 

James was in awe and kind of scared shitless of him. 

Both the captain and the alien started at James in an attempt to break their protective circle, but he swiftly tosses the alien to Kinkade before narrowly dodging several bruising punches. The captain, intent on pushing James backward and breaking through their defenses, does not let up. James sends out a silent prayer to the heavens as he ducked another punch that could have knocked him out cold. 

The captain narrowed his eyes as steps back for a moment to take him in. James wasted no time. 

He lowered his shoulder into the captain’s stomach feeling the air get punched out of the man’s lungs. A few blows to the abdomen later and James was barely escaping the hold the other’s arm had grabbed around his neck as he felt a bit of blood fill his mouth. 

While stuck dodging and weaving, James could hear the others re-engaging the paladins, Rizavi to his back, handling the shortest one and Veronica’s brother at the same time. 

The captain suddenly kicked out and caught James in the chest sending him sprawling. The floor was cold and his ribs burned but James didn’t know anything besides the instincts screaming at him to move now. The air shifted behind him. A gust of wind where there was nothing before. 

The floor shuddered from the sheer force of Shirogane landing hard where he had just been. 

Their circle was now broken and James could see Leif was forced to engage with the smallest paladin as Rizavi kept her focus on her opponent. He felt a flash of worry that was immediately swallowed up by the pounding mess in his own head as the captain relentlessly threw hit after hit. 

This was a challenge, a way to go toe to toe with Shirogane without actually admitting to feeling any kind of animosity. A convenient outlet for all the self-hatred and anger he let fester inside. God it was like therapy every time he managed to land a punch on the captain’s face or threw an elbow into the other’s abdomen. 

James could feel sweat starting to trickle down his neck as he struggled to keep one step ahead of the other. The man moved faster than anyone James had ever faced, Rizavi included. 

He connects with the captain’s jaw in a glancing blow that easily tumbles the man into the path of Leif. He instantly adapts and starts to work around her instead. Caught unaware, her legs are swept out from underneath her by the smaller one and Shirogane seems about to step forward and deal another blow. 

James rushed at the pair, throwing his body at the captain in a full tackle that sends them both flying, landing in a heap on the mat. It was reckless and ill-planned but with Leif in trouble his unthinking overdrive kicked in. 

Shirogane recovered first, pinning him hard to the mat. his grip so strong that he could hold James down with only a hand as he squirmed underneath him. James couldn’t breathe through the pressure the captain’s knees put on his chest. Shirogane’s fist reared back, the metal glinting in the light- 

“Time!” Veronica called, actually taking pity on him for once. 

Captain Shirogane slid off him and jumped to his feet with an optimistic glow that James wished he felt. He was left rubbing his chest, where a bruise was sure to be forming, as Leif reaches a hand down to him to haul him to his feet. 

His team gathers around him as they turn to face Veronica who looks far more pleased than the situation required. 

“Can anyone point out moments that call for definite improvement?” A silence falls as each side seems reluctant to critique the other. James glances up to see Captain Shirogane looking at him already with an expression of pride? He’s not exactly sure what to think of that. James had rarely even seen the man before the Kerberos Mission. 

Rizavi, always the extrovert, opens her mouth first, “Lance needs to focus more on his feet. He shuffles too much when trying to land a punch.” The paladin in question looks down until Rizavi continues, “He’s got good spatial awareness though so he was quick to defend.” He visibly brightens and the alien girl next to him lays a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“Leifsdottir right?” Comes Keith’s rasp from behind James as he addresses her. “Your teammates can’t spend all their energy making sure you’re safe. It distracts them from the mission.” His eyes flick to James practically pinning him to the wall with the intensity at their core. “He would be dead if this was real.” 

Leif’s expression falls, her eyes glinting a bit in the harsh lighting, as she nods her agreement. 

James felt anger start to coil around his gut. He wasn’t distracted: just aware of the situation. Leif was his subordinate, teammate, and friend, and that meant her safety was his responsibility. She didn’t ask for his life as a sacrifice and never would. 

That was something he would make for any one of them in an instant. 

The audacity of Keith to even suggest that kind of loyalty was unnecessary, to look him in the eye in front of his paladins and act like he wouldn’t do the same damn thing, was ridiculous. He didn’t realize the guy he had pined after for years was turning into such a hypocrite. 

Suddenly reminded of his loss, of the chance he never really had, James feels everything bubble over. His anger, his distress, his longing. 

“What about your team?” James spits out, all the stress he’s been feeling for weeks since the paladin’s return put into those words. “Two of your paladins can barely stand upright if someone throws a punch. How can we expect you to save the world when you can barely defend each other?” 

The air seems to tighten around him as James is met with the stony weight of Keith’s glare. It felt just like how it did back then so many years ago, right before he was punched in the face. 

A touchy subject then. 

James has the urge to keep pushing Keith, to see how many different expressions he can pull out of him, to force him to keep his eyes on him, to make sure when he went to sleep tonight that he would remember James now. 

He was angry. Angry at himself, and Keith. For the hours he burned in the sims. For those nights he spent alone under his covers. For making him ruined for anyone else ever again. 

James knew when enough was truly enough. Even if Keith didn’t know it. 

“At least we can work together.” Keith stiffens, emotions flashing across his face before he quickly buries them. James didn’t care how Keith felt in this moment, he didn’t care if his next words hurt, he didn’t care. A small, very small, part of him was whispering that it served Keith right. 

“Then again teamwork never was your strong point Kogane.” 

With that statement he turned on his heel and walked out of the gym, snatching up his uniform on the way. He could feel the eyes of everyone on his back but he stood tall. It felt good, knowing his words hurt. 

He was really just tired of being selfless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one really got away from me but I honestly regret nothing. I love the MFE team with my entire being as well so jot that down. James is being a bit of a jerk but he's just under a lot of pressure. Holding the fate of so many lives in your hands is literally so depressing. And while Keith's concern is presented as criticism he's harsh because he understands how hard this war has been. They both care too much and are bad at communicating so that's why there's more angst today.


	4. Can we fix what has been broken?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When James and Keith actually have a discussion good things can happen.

James was hiding. He knew it, so did the rest of his team, and probably the whole base by now. 

After four days spent in his room pouring over data he already knew, he could no longer pretend to have any business staying inside, away from the MFEs. He was a pilot, he had to pilot. His fingers itched in fact to readjust to the controls and feel the craft cut through the air smoother than anything else he had ever flown. The only problem was that he felt like the paladins could appear around every corner and his desire to interact with any of them had reached negative proportions since- 

The door to his room was flung open with a bang and Rizavi bounded inside trailed by Kinkade and Leif. James didn’t even have time to comment on her lack of knocking before she launched her attack. 

“Alright Team Leader, you have three seconds to get up before I make you!” She was far too loud for how early in the morning it was. James just stared blearily at her vaguely wondering if this was a hallucination until her hands came to vigorously shake his shoulders. 

Not a hallucination. 

“Come on James. We need our leader,” At Leif’s more sensitive volume, James felt a stab of guilt go through him as he remembered all the time that has passed while he’s been doing nothing. Nothing to help the Garrison, nothing to help his team, nothing to find his family. Just sitting alone in his room, barely eating or sleeping, working over old data until the dawn rose. 

They all crowded around his bed varying degrees of worry written on their faces as Kinkade laid a heavy hand on his shoulder. 

“We need you man.” His voice seemed rougher than usual and it suddenly hit James that he barely ever spoke to anyone else. Kinkade is his best friend and he probably hasn’t said a word in four days. 

Rizavi gave him a sad smile, her hands clasped together. His eyes were drawn them and he felt dread curl around his gut. Her fingers were bandaged in white gauze that certainly hadn’t been there four days ago. 

Leif wasn’t wearing the uniform, her pale arms exposed to the fluorescent lights but even those couldn’t drown out the dark bruises that littered her skin. They looked fresh, newly fought. 

What had they been doing while he wasn’t there to lead? 

It was almost like being snapped out of a dream and suddenly a rush of anger was pouring out of him. At himself, at the world, and a smaller part at Keith. It wasn’t fair. Nothing ever seemed to be. 

But life wasn’t meant to be fair. 

He inhales deeply, feeling like that was the first proper breath he had taken in days, and opens his eyes to see his teammates expressions turn hopeful. James cracked a smile and the whole group started to laugh as Rizavi launches herself into his arms pulling him into a rib-bruising hug. 

That quickly devolved into a who-can-crush-James-the-most competition. 

A weight had been lifted, whatever it was he had been feeling was out in the open without him having to say a word. They didn’t comment further, only pulled him back on his feet and dusted off his cuts and bruises. The reason why he had been mentally MIA was irrelevant to them. It didn’t matter because they were a team. His team. 

Less than an hour later, when they finally reached the hangar again, James felt a surge of pride looking at the amazing inventions that only they were qualified to fly. He needed to get back in the cockpit, if just one sudden confrontation was enough to send him reeling then he wasn’t meant to be the leader of this team. He had something to prove, not to the others but to himself. That he deserved to be here as a leader and as a person. 

When he had reached his seat suddenly there was a commotion around the back of the hangar as people started to shout and metal began to clang. Alarms were shrill and piercing in the air. 

Kinkade shot him a look, his hands instantly pulling back the harness on the pilot’s seat as he clambered right back out. James was quick to follow, hitting the ground running, as they headed to the point of commotion. People were frantically loading up some of the rovers, distributing weapons, and passing around data pads as Veronica stood nearby helping to organize the flow. 

When she caught sight of them all she gave a sigh of relief, and gestured for them to approach her. 

“The paladins need back-up in the Ilium District four miles from here. There are unprecedented amounts of drones and sentries,” Her voice is breathless with worry and James can feel the bottom of his stomach drop. Their last hope pinned under the enemy with not enough firepower in the whole base to rescue them, only the MFEs. 

Rizavi instantly understands and starts herding Leif back towards the crafts while he and Kinkade continue to assess the situation. Veronica relays every bit of helpful information she had about where they were, and a loose strategy was developed. They fly in low and lay waste to any Galra they could see while keeping an eye out for the paladins. Their domain was the sky while the paladins would have to hold out on their own with the sentries. Engage on the ground only if necessary. When the team got them back James is giving whoever thought to send them out a piece of his mind. 

Within two minutes they were all back in the cockpit and ready to fly. 

This take-off was faster than anything James had ever experienced barring when the Galra first invaded Earth. It was understandable, the last hope of Earth could be squashed like bugs. James had a sudden mental image of Keith, hit by enemy fire, limping and struggling, before violently pushing that idea out of his head. If he lost focus for a moment then that possibility could become a reality. Focus only on the now, not what could be.

Surrounded by the other MFEs, he hits the thrust in the direction of the Ilium Disctrict, thrown backwards into his seat like those drills weeks ago. He felt a thrill run down his spine at the fact that he was here, in this amazing feat of engineering, finally laying his fingers on the controls again. Despite the tense situation James was secretly relieved, his stress bleeding out of every inch of him that touched his craft. 

His father would be so jealous if he could see the beautiful power of the MFEs in comparison to the old clunkers he had to fly back in the day. He would want a piece of this action. 

“I got eyes on some drones,” Leif’s voice broke through his thoughts, and by doing a double take on his live feed he could see that she was right. They were circling over an outcrop of destroyed buildings like vultures, more and more joining until there were enough to blot out the sun. 

James would bet his kidney that the paladins were down there. 

“Look alive team. We got twenty seconds before they spot us. Riz pull left, Leif above, and K you’re with me. We’re going right down the middle man.” His team instantly obeyed, the trust in his abilities long since established. They were going to break apart that cloud, give the paladins a distraction that they could hopefully take advantage of, and eventually make their way down to collect them out of the sentries’ reach. He didn’t quite have that last part figured out yet. 

“Now!” And they all opened fire as they entered the drones’ radius, the cloud fluttering as many dropped out of the sky. James flew straight through them, pieces of metal scraping the paint off his MFE. In comparison those drones were flimsily made. Kinkade was keeping pace nearby, even going so far as to do a barrel-roll in order to collide with more Galra drones. 

It felt vaguely like scattering a bunch of seagulls in a mall parking lot. A lot of really deadly, angry seagulls. 

“James you got some on your tail!” Comes Rizavi over comms, as they loop back around to approach the cloud again. James tilted his wing a bit and sure enough there were close to twenty following his trail. He could fly circles around them in an instant but he needed to destroy the small things not run away. They were too small to even shoot at effectively, he had more of a chance of hitting his team than the small robots.

Then he had a stupid idea. Probably effective, but possibly suicidal. 

“Team I’m going low to lose them in the buildings.” 

“James what-” Leif starts when he suddenly hits the gravity-orientator with his fist. His MFE stutters then turns on its side and drops. The air is sucked out of his lungs as he plummets towards the earth, spinning without any direction. Panic starts to well up in him but he forced it back down. 

He had to eliminate these drones, eliminate them to save the last hope of Earth, eliminate them to save Keith. 

He took one breath then slammed the button again and righted himself. It took a moment for his vision to stop spinning but when it did he hit the thrust again, pulling out from underneath the drones that had tailed him down to building-level. A surge of confidence ran through him when taking in the unpredictable cover offered around him. They would be smashed to pieces in a matter of minutes. 

He knew this terrain better than some shitty robots. 

James cut in and out around the buildings on a dime, using every overpass, every corner to evade them. At one point he even pulls a reverse in mid-air, grunting with the effort, as the back of the MFE is pelted with the smashed drones. 

They didn’t learn that’s for sure. 

“We’re almost done here idiot leader,” Rizavi drawled over the comms, her annoyance at his stunt apparent in her voice. 

“Yeah idiot leader, we’re meeting up on Main Street to fan out and find the paladins.” Leif ribs him although her voice is a lot more cheerful then normal-sounding-Leif. He rolls his eyes knowing full well his silence is enough of a response before turning around and flying back where he had come. 

Down in the wrecked plaza however, he caught a flash of red out of the corner of his eye and sure enough at a closer look it was Keith and Hunk, trapped behind a structure unable to move. Sentries had them pinned and were encroaching on the pair by the second. They would be overwhelmed soon, unable to hold out from the sheer numbers. Slowing to a near standstill he didn’t think, the stab of fear pulsing though his gut decided for him. 

Before any of his teammates could say a word he launched himself straight from his cockpit into the fight below. 

He hurtled directly onto a sentry cutting it to pieces before it could approach the yellow paladin further. Hunk turns to him shocked before pulling him behind cover a few paces from Keith. The smell of singed hair and blood filled the air making James feel a bit faint with worry.

The yellow paladin takes over laying waste to the sentries on their left while James focuses on the right. Wave after wave kept hitting them, some coming close enough to blast the armor off of James’ shoulder and nearly put a hole in Hunk’s stomach. 

They needed to get to higher ground. 

A sheltered building to his high left caught his attention as he pointed it out wildly to yellow paladin. The guy seems to get the message as he takes off at a run throwing himself over the wall that blocked the area off. James is quick to follow laying down covering fire and then relying on his fast feet. 

He lands heavily on the other side, Hunk’s hand on his badass gun, ready to blast even James away if he turned out to be a sentry. They both relaxed momentarily, trying to catch their breath, until a purple ray shot so close to the top of James’ head he could feel the heat. Whirling around he could see two sentries had found them and were blocking the exit. 

James immediately throws himself in front of Hunk determined to take on both, if only to make sure the other was still in one piece. Three well placed shots later and while he was breathing a bit heavier, neither of them were any worse for wear. 

He turned expecting a mutual expression of congratulation but Hunk only looks horrifically angry (which is something James never thought he’d see on the happy guy’s face) 

“You shouldn’t sacrifice yourself for me. Voltron doesn’t need me!” His voice is loud in comparison to the distant battle. 

James feels shocked, incredulous, even a bit angry because the paladin was a great fighter, and one of the nicest people he had ever met. Somehow he didn’t see that. 

He seems to realize that he had said too much as his expression turns regretful. “I just didn’t...If they had you I mean.” The yellow paladin mumbles which only succeeds in pissing off James more. 

“Listen! You need to live. Not me or anyone else on my team. You.” He looks shocked, his large eyes going impossibly larger, as the muscles in his face tighten. “If you die this war is over and Earth is doomed.” It felt wrong to say the word doomed out loud after so long of shouldering the hopes of earth, but maybe that is what the yellow paladin needs.

His head droops at the statement his gaze dropping to James’ legs rather than his face. At least he has the presence of mind to feel ashamed about expecting James to let him die. 

“Did you expect one of the MFEs to replace you?” His head shoots back up at that statement guilty surprise written all over his features. So he had. Well he was dead wrong and James needed to fix it. 

“We’re pilots not paladins. Only you can be a paladin Hunk.” 

James feels a lump form in the back of his throat. What he wouldn’t give to be a paladin with his team. To feel that power thrum through his veins, to wield Voltron as a savior of Earth, to finally have everything be over. It was a desperate wish fueled by his own jealousy and fear. 

But that wasn’t his place, and leaving Voltron wasn’t Hunk’s. 

The guy just needed to accept himself as a paladin but something seemed to be stopping him: a lack of confidence or maybe just pure fear. James wouldn’t blame him for feeling that. Not everyone was as suicidal as his team. 

Not everyone was meant for war. And somehow here they were. 

“I believe in you.” His voice was strong and clear over the lingering sounds of fighting outside. 

Hunk who had been totally silent now looks like he’s coming close to tears. 

The paladins need to see to the needs of the individuals who make up their whole more often. It looked like he had never quite heard those words before. 

“I believe in all of you. What I said before I didn’t mean it.” He gestures emptily referring to the events days before in the gym. He felt guilty, especially if his words had contributed to the guy’s burden. 

“I-I uh don’t know what to say James.” He hesitates a hand hastily coming up to rub at his eyes. “Thank you.” James actually smiles at that. It wasn’t often in this line of work that he was thanked but when it happened that was sweeter than the taste of victory. 

Pidge pokes her head around the corner and seems confused about what is transpiring, her eyebrows furrowing together. “Uh guys. We finished up over here.” 

James gives her a thumbs up before reaching out a hand to Hunk who hesitates a moment before taking it firmly. He stood taller, his expression a bit lighter as James retracts his hand to turn on his heel and go round up his team. 

Hours later he was hiding out by the rovers, which appeared to be happening more often than he would like, avoiding the brightness and laughter of the Garrison. Checking over the supplies and fine-tuning the controls, in their rover lovingly nicknamed the Bat Mobile, was calming to him. He flipped open one of the outer panels to check the wiring. 

His exhaustion seemed to be catching up to him as he could feel himself swaying a bit every moment he spent perusing the electrical wiring. There were a few problems that he could see in the disconnectors and the fluids shoved deeper back. 

He would do that tomorrow he promised inwardly as he yawned for the nineteenth time. 

“Hey,” Came the quiet but familiar voice behind him. He whirled around, nearly tripping over a large tire. Keith was standing there looking rather bashful as his gaze didn’t meet James’ shocked one. He managed to still look good after spending so much time in the thick of battle, his hair stuck up in odd places and a healthy glow around him. 

“H-hey,” He cursed himself for stuttering. He was a grown man, a leader of resistance, a fully-fledged pilot, he would not be cowed in the face of unrequited love. 

“I just wanted to say-,” He paused to swallow and James chased the movement of his throat with his eyes before snapping them back to a more acceptable area. “I just wanted to thank you for earlier.” 

James was confused. He had barely said two words to Keith on the battlefield and now something had shifted so massively that he was here to thank him. 

“I mean for what you said to Hunk.” Ah that makes more sense, he must have been eavesdropping nearby. 

“It wasn’t really anything. I told him the truth.” Keith holds his gaze, his eyes reflecting a flurry of indecipherable emotions before the walls were slammed down again. “I deserve no praise especially after what I said before.” 

He looks surprised at that. Then pleased. His mouth turned up at the corners that still sent James’ heart spiraling despite the fact that he really was over him (liar his brain said back). 

Keith shuffles his feet a bit before moving closer, his face tilted upwards to make up for the few inches that had sprung up between them. “I said something like that to him once but I never get quite the same reactions from people as you do.” 

James is shocked. Keith is a volatile force, wild and powerful, you would have to be blind to ignore him. The paladins had to be fucking crazy, was his final decisive thought. 

“You inspire people, rally them to the cause. You actually remind me a bit of...” he trails off before violently shutting his mouth, his cheeks tinged a bit pink from whatever he was thinking. James could feel himself blushing from the unexpected praise. Even in all the years they had known each other, Keith had never actually complimented him for anything. 

James cut through the awkward silence that had settled on them, “About the sparring, I really am sorry Kogane. I didn’t- I mean I did want it to hurt but that was selfish of me. You don’t deserve to have the past shoved back into your face.” After that admission James feels the need to run, as Keith’s lips part in surprise and his pretty skin flushes further. He shifts on the balls of his feet as he shyly turns away. 

God he was so gone on this boy. He needed help. 

Kinkade and the stash of beer under his bed. One knock on the door was all it would take. His friend could act as a therapist by listening to his drunken poetic waxing about the exact shade of violet that filled Keith’s eyes. 

That was a solid plan. Maybe he needed to talk it out before he could get over himself. At this point he was willing to try anything. Anything to stop the rapid beating of his heart and how sweaty his palms were getting. 

“Listen, Ke-Kogane. It’s getting late so I think I’m just going to turn in.” James backs away as Keith’s expression falls a little. Then his mask is shoved back down, the friendliness starting to fade from his eyes. 

James asks faintly, “We’re cool right?” The question hangs in the air. Keith could pull back from this truce with just a word and they would be back where they started. But James needed to know. 

“Yeah. We’re cool.” He repeats as he turns away from James, his face suddenly bathed in the light coming through the hangar door. James’ breath catches as he is hit by the sheer ethereal beauty of Keith once again. And then he’s gone, disappeared into the muffled sound of laughter and pools of yellow light. 

James feels like sinking to the ground in relief. He did it. The jump from school rivalry to tentative friends had been accomplished after six years. 

Fuck if he didn’t hurry up, they would barely be on speaking terms by the time he died. 

Shaking his head he shuts the panel he had been inspecting before following Keith’s path through the doorway. He had a stash of alcohol to drain.


	5. What words are left unspoken?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody knows what is going on, least of all James Griffin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than usual but it's just a little bit of fluff, friendship, and foreshadowing shenanigans before we get more into the angst. James is basically a mess and Kinkade teases him.

James woke to his head pounding out the staccato rhythm of Hips Don’t Lie. 

He lay there for a moment, regretting all life decisions that led him to this point, before rolling over. God that was painful. His head felt like it was about to split open. 

With a groan he pulled himself upright and was met with the disapproving gaze of Kinkade, the warbling tone of Shakira floating in from the adjacent room. Everything reeked of alcohol, or maybe that was just him. He sniffed the collar of his shirt and almost gagged. It was definitely him.  
His mouth was bone dry, not even frantically licking his licking his lips could make it go away, and he was famished. Not even being stranded in the desert for three days had made him this thirsty or hungry. Then James’ eyes fell on the empty bottles stacked across the room and suddenly everything came flooding back. 

Fuck. 

He had literally talked about nothing but Keith’s eyes, Keith’s hair, Keith’s mouth, Keith’s strength, Keith’s talent for hours. Created a haiku about the shades of violet in his eyes and the raven color of his hair. Written a sonnet that compared Keith’s flying and an orgasm. 

Kinkade was probably ready to murder him by now. 

Gingerly he peeked upwards, to see said friend was calmly reading a book but that could change at any second. Kinkade could be deadly if he put his mind to it. James needed an out and he needed it now. A sprint to the door was probably his best bet and afterwards he was never allowed to drink in Kinkade’s presence again. Solid plan. 

As soon as the song reached its chorus, the croon of hips never lying reaching his ears, James sprung to his feet and made a dash for it. Kinkade lazily stuck out his foot, not even bothering to look up, and sent James sprawling onto the bed in a heap. Tangled in the sheets he lay feeling ashamed and tired enough to take another long nap but his life was at stake here so he pulled himself back to his feet. 

“Okay man,” His voice is scratchy, dry to the point of making him wince. “K, my best friend in the whole wide world. What do I need to do to make sure you never mention this night to anyone ever again?” A smirk grows across the others face as he finally sets down the book. 

“Funny you should ask J. There are so many embarrassing things that can bought with this.” He teasingly holds up his phone, the video on it playing at full blast. James can see himself, practically crying, hugging one of the bottles to his chest as Kinkade’s voice flits on. 

“James what’s so sad?” Video-Kinkade says his voice fluctuating so much it’s clear that he’s trying not to laugh. James turns to the camera, his lips quivering, “He just looks so good K.” His voice comes out as a tinny whine as James, realizing what this is, launches himself towards Kinkade who easily evades him. James is pushed back onto the bed, vertigo catching up to him and grounding him to his position, unable to stop his now disowned friend from continuing. 

“The long pieces of hair hanging in his face are hurting me, right here.” Video-James gestures to his heart and then takes another long gulp from the bottle. “And his eyes look like liquid pools of lilac flowers.” He suddenly gets enthusiastic as he sits back up again from his slumped position against the bed. “Did you know those are my favorite flowers K?” 

“Wait James-” Video-Kinkade stifles his laughter. “Who are you talking about again?” Video-James' eyes narrow like he’s not sure if Kinkade it tricking him but the dumbass keeps going and answers him. 

“Keith of course. Who else would I be talking about?” James now hangs his head low, fingers twitching to grab the phone from Kinkade but sick fascination keeps him still. And the headache. God his head was pounding. 

“I mean there’s literally no one else to even compare, no offense buddy.” “None taken.” is the dry reply Video-Kinkade gives zooming in close on James’ teary eyes, and the fetal position he falls into. 

His voice continues on rambling, muffled from where his face is smushed into the carpet. “His legs K, have you seen his legs? It's like Beyonce gave birth to a newborn baby deer.” “James you're fucking drunk as hell. “ 

“K have you seen his glares? It’s like god is smiling down on me, blessing me with fuel to jerk off to.” “James I don't jerk off to Keith Kogane.” “Oh right.” Video-James is quiet for a minute as Video-Kinkade can be heard muttering to himself off camera about, “drunk idiots” and “fucking poetry”. 

Then James shoots upright from the carpet, a giggle working its way out of his throat, startling Kinkade enough to make the camera shake. “It’s so funny right K?” A deep sigh comes through the feed. “What’s funny James? Besides the fact that you broke into my room close to midnight to drown my stash of alcohol?” 

“Keith loves someone else, not me. But I can’t let go. Ironic right?” He hiccups softly then flops back down, all tension leaving his body. 

Video-Kinkade seems to have nothing to say about that, an uncomfortable silence falling now in the room where they both sat mostly sober in the morning light. 

The camera jostles a bit as it moves towards the lump on the floor. Video-Kinkade sticks out his foot again, prodding the immobile mound that was James. “James what about his eyes again?” 

“Lilacs K.” Kinkade shoots him a smug ass look from where he stands, shaking the video, prompting James to aim a kick at his face that misses by a mile. 

“Please keep... up.” Video-James continues his voice slowly fading away only to be replaced with soft breathing. The camera zooms in on James a few more times before Video-Kinkade turns to himself making a face of utter disgust and then the horror ends. 

Silence falls in the room as James contemplates how many different ways he could make Kinkade disappear. 

“If you delete that video I will do all your laundry for a week and find you more alcohol.” Is his immediate bartering tool. The alcohol would be difficult to procure but if his reputation was at stake there was nothing short of a miracle that James could accomplish. 

“Make that three weeks and we have a deal.” Kinkade counter offers pushing it because he knows James cannot afford to refuse. With a sigh of resignation James nods his assent and Kinkade tosses him the phone while herding him towards the door. 

“There is a backup though that shall be deleted after your payment is made,” as James successfully deletes the video file, before getting shoved out the door. 

He is left open mouthed at the underhanded tactics of his fake-ass friend as the door is cheerily closed in his face. The least the asshole could do would be to let him take a shower. And find clothes that weren’t pajama shorts and a throw-up worthy sweatshirt. 

“K, I’m not dressed to be outside could you let me back in?” He slaps his hand on the door, desperately wishing that Kinkade would for once listen to him outside of training. 

He is met with the sound of the shower turning on and another rousing chorus of Hips Don’t Lie.

“Asshole,” He muttered. 

He sighs and turns back to the hallway that he was so rudely thrust out into but is met with an unexpected sight. 

Keith is standing there, a stormy expression on his face, looking just as good as he did yesterday. His eyes were wide and open, a dawning realization crossing his face like the phases of the moon. Dark hair fell around his head in a fluffy halo that turned James’ mouth even drier. If that was even possible. 

He looks stunned, thrown off balance, which is not something James associated with Keith Kogane. Keith was always present, always now, and if you looked away for a second he could suddenly disappear. Keith wasn’t anything less than precise and thourough, but the panic that seemed to pass over him was unmistakable. 

His gaze flicks from James to the door of Kinkade’s room, once, twice, before he lowered his head and quickly walked past to a room further down the hall. James’ call of Kogane is swallowed down his throat as he is left staring at the disappearing figure. 

His first thought is what the hell just happened? He didn’t even say a word and somehow he pissed Keith off. 

And his second is, did Keith just see him dressed in nothing but his dad’s old clothing and pajama bottoms that have seen the darkest periods of his life, smelling of alcohol and hungover with a headache from hell? If that was an indication of how his day was going to go James might as well just go back to sleep.


	6. Why are we left at odds?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lance talk and it feels like everything is rolling downhill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short but school has been kicking my ass lately so I only had enough energy to write this small piece. There are more misunderstandings but it will all pay off later. Maybe since Rizavi was here something might actually be resolved...  
> (For anyone who was wondering I am also on tumblr @ amarylissy. Anyone is welcome to come scream about Voltron with me. )

It had been three days since he had seen Keith outside Kinkade’s room. Three whole days of turned shoulders and skirting glances. It was like they had regressed back to the beginning just a few short months earlier. If James didn’t know any better he would say that Keith was avoiding him for some reason. A reason that the other paladins seemed aware of as they continued to shoot him nasty looks throughout joint training. It was weird. 

Lance even comes up to talk to him in the mess hall saying something about fraternization and discipline. James was disinclined to listen to his whole speech considering that he made eyes at the alien princess, Allura, when he thought no one was looking. That and the fact that he used too many sound effects to truly follow what was even going on. 

James just hummed noncommittally, a small part of him under the impression that the only way to end this conversation was to run, until Rizavi appeared at the head of the lunch table to save him. 

“James, Iverson had a few flight patterns he wanted to go over with you and Leif.” She smoothly cuts into Lance’s babble causing the blue paladin to visibly deflate. A flash of relief washes over James as he jumps to his feet eagerly, abandoning this awkward conversation and never looking back seeming more appealing by the second. 

“Sorry Lance,” He shrugs absently at the man sitting down straightening up, his expression drawing closed like the shutters on a house. “Duty calls.” 

James gathers his stuff as quick as he can but apparently not fast enough as Lance’s hand shoots out to grab him around the wrist. He’s forced to face the other, blue eyes serious, any sign of the warm mirth and creative sound effects dissipating into the air. 

“Listen Griffin. I know we might not always see eye to eye but I think you can respect the need to protect your team. Your family.” The air left his lungs like he had been punched in the gut. Those eyes could see right through him, pulling out words that were always on his mind, on the tip of his tongue, hanging somewhere in the air between the squad. Protection, only one simple word that defined his primary motivations. Protecting his home, family, team. Himself. 

He nods, unsure of where Lance was going with this conversation. 

“Well then you’ll understand if I ask you to swear that you’ll keep your distance.” His words were cryptic but his eyes continued to pin James to the wall with his surprisingly discerning gaze. At least it would be discerning if James had a clue what was happening. 

In actuality, James had no fucking idea what he was talking about. He wanted him to what? Put distance between himself and the other paladins? The first panicked thought is that he must have done something. A strong sentiment like this doesn’t come out of nowhere. But try as he could he couldn’t even think of anything that would make all the paladins come together to reject him. They had already been sending signals though. The stares and glances, Keith's sudden cold shoulder, he should have realized a divider was about to be slammed up any second. 

A pang of regret flashed through him. He thought they were learning to work together, as a larger unit, maybe even on friendly terms. That must have just been his own delusions. They obviously did not want the same.

Not that it mattered in the face of everything that was happening. He owed them nothing and vice versa, just his cooperation in this fight before they could all go their separate ways. If they wanted to keep him at a personal distance then that was fine with him. A leader was not here to make friends. 

“I swear I won’t even look in your guys’ direction. You don’t have to worry about me fucking everything up.” His voice was harsh, an underlying anger coursing through him. Lance’s expression falls but he doesn’t waver in the slightest. In fact, the paladin just tightens his hand. 

James dropped his gaze to where Lance was gripping his arm, annoyed at the fact that the paladin thought he had the right to hold him back. He had said his piece, made his stance clear, and now he was blocking the exit. James was done humoring him. Iverson and the war were waiting and he didn’t need someone else telling him he wasn’t wanted. He could read the situation well enough. 

A quick shove was all it took for Lance to loosen his grip as James skirted past him and Rizavi heading out of the cafeteria with his head held high. Iverson and the war were waiting. Keith and the paladins were not. 

It shouldn’t sting as much as it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be fair to Lance, Keith is misreading and relaying everything to him wrong so his protective response is warranted especially in the middle of a war when everyone needs to be at the top of their game to stay alive.  
> While James is rightfully angry he misunderstands exactly who he is asked to stay away from.  
> I'm sorry I just keep hurting him but it makes everything plot wise move a bit quicker.


End file.
